dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
