I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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