i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
