Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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