It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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