I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
