Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
