Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
