grandma shit on top of the toilet
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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