I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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