So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
