If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
