My liver just broke up with me...
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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