I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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