i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
