A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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