Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
