The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
