i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
