apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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