Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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