He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
