my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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