Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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