I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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