I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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