I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
