im six kinds of drunk right now
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
