i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
