My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
