i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
