the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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