Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
