haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
