Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
