Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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