I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
