wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
