I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
