The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well I just put wine in my tea
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I party with great urgency now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
