just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
