i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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