that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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