His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
