I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
