those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
