I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
