Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
