i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
