I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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