You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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