So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
