it's too hot outside to masturbate.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He? As in you personified your dick?
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